I Was a Good Mom

A few weeks ago I went on a hike with my (homeschooled) 14 year old, at his request. We used to go hiking quite often, at least during the non-sweltering months, generally October through March or so. I’d say we hiked 2-4 times a month, fall through spring, for several years of my kids’ lives.

Nowadays, not so much. They got busier, I got busier (and out of shape). But as I said, he requested it, telling me, “I need a break from being on my computer.” He does school work on his computer, and he likes to game, so he is on it a lot. (He also does 12 hours of gymnastics a week, he has a bike and an electric scooter he uses to ride around the neighborhood at least a couple times a week, and he goes to a weekly D&D group at the library, so don’t come at me about screen time. LOL)

I love that he loves the outdoors, and I love that he recognizes when he needs to reconnect with nature. We drove to Sabino Canyon and did a fairly quick, easy hike, probably around 2.5-3 miles. (Not only am I out of shape, but I have fibromyalgia and EDS hypermobility, so even when I want to start exercising more, I have to take a very “slow and steady” approach.)

We have hiked Sabino countless times. It was one of the places we went most frequently when my kids were really little, because there are paved options that accommodate strollers. As they got older, our hikes got longer, and we often hiked 5-6 miles and sometimes 8-10.

So as we walked toward the dam after not having visited for a couple years, the nostalgia hit full force. I remembered not only all the hikes, but also all the other fun things I did with my two boys when they were little. Being on the same trail I had walked with them, often with friends along, so many times… It just flooded me with memories.

I’ve mentioned this before in a different context, but being a perfectionist is the worst. Having sky-high expectations of myself has made my life harder and my mental health worse, period. (Has it also helped me accomplish MANY of my goals? Well, yeah. Two sides of the coin.) I rarely felt like I was doing enough for my kids when they were little. I felt extreme “mom guilt” any time my chronic illness kept me in bed or on the couch for a day or two. We were pretty broke, so I always felt bad that I couldn’t travel with them more, among other things that require extra money. (Do not recommend starting a family just as the economy crashes as it did in ~2008. 0/10.)

As we walked along, I said, “You know, I was pretty hard on myself when you guys were little. I never thought I was doing a good enough job. But looking back, I think I did do a pretty good job.”

He gave me an incredulous look. “Of course you did. You did an amazing job. We did so many cool things!”

He’s right. Because my oldest was miserable in the kinder classroom—sensory issues which turned out to be undiagnosed autism—I pulled him out halfway through the year, even though we never planned to homeschool. Aside from hiking, we went to a weekly homeschool park day. We went on 1-2 educational group field trips each month during the school year. They played sports, even though we were broke; we qualified for a lower membership cost at the Y and started out via YMCA youth sports.

They took classes at the community garden; I taught them how to cook and bake, which they loved; we did arts & crafts including art classes; they had swimming lessons, and went swimming at family’s houses and/or went to splashpads once or twice a week during the hot months. Their dad and I read aloud to them every single night starting in infancy. We had (and still have) family board game nights. Once in a while, for a birthday or some other special occasion, they’d get to do something like ride horses on a trail ride, or go to one of the big waterparks in Phoenix.

“I always felt guilty,” I confessed, “when I had those days where I couldn’t do much of anything, so I’d let you guys build a blanket fort and put on a movie.”

He laughed, eyeing me like I had lost my mind. “But that was so fun! Blanket forts are amazing! Those were great days.”

Y’all, I was a good mom. Despite financial stress and various health problems and depression, anxiety, and OCD… I was a GOOD mom. Of course, activities aren’t the end-all, be-all for “good” parenting—far from it—but the point is, I TRIED. So hard, all the time. (Probably the most important thing I did was when they were very little, toddler and infant: I found a psychiatrist and a psychologist and wrestled my mental illness into a manageable state. But they don’t remember any of that.)

As a homeschool mom, these kids were my life. I tried to teach them, to be patient with them, to let them take risks and make mistakes, to role model kindness and empathy—I tried to do ALL of that, every single day. I still try to do all of that every day.

And now I have two amazing teenagers. They get along with each other (that was touch and go for awhile but we made it!); they still want to spend time with me; they’re compassionate. They get complimented all the time on their intelligence, work ethic, and kindness. My oldest is attending trade school, working toward an Associates of Science in Welding and Fabrication. (The head of that program is an old friend, and she regularly texts me to rave about how well he’s doing.) My youngest is a good homeschool student and has been a competitive gymnast for eight years. They both have plenty of friends. They both still go out of their way to hug me multiple times a day and enjoy spending time with me and their dad. (I could write many more paragraphs on how they also had an amazing dad, but I’ll leave that for another day.) And they also prioritize helping their elderly grandparents when needed.

I was a good mom. I am a good mom. And I’m proud of myself, because this role is the most important one I’ll ever have.

With that said, if you’ve stuck around to the end, thank you! In addition to parenting, I’m also trying to live a dream I’ve had since I was 7 years old: making a living as an author. Outside of family and friends, this is my highest priority and it’s where I pour ALL of my energy. If you like high romantic fantasy and want to support me on this journey, I’d love if you’d grab the Deception of Dreams e-book pre-order for only 99c!